I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
