Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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