paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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