The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
