I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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