It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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