Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
