Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
