The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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