I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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