Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
