You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
