My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
