She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
