I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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