Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
