I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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