I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
