When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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