he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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