K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
