So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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