Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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