My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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