he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
a search helicopter?!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
