I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
