I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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