3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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