Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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