Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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