I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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