I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
