i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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