Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
