You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
