my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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