Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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