i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
