did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
