I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
