I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
