We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
MIDGETS
????
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
