Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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