If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
