I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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