When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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