I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I can text with my tongue
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
