Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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