I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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