i already hear my dad disowning me
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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