I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
