I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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